Khaki Fever Nightmare

Arrrrghhhhh!!!! The saying is true…” sometimes it’s easier to fall off a bridge then to fall in love”.  I never thought it would take what feels like a lifetime to find my perfect partner in crime. No one ever mentions how long & arduous the quest really is.  After all, growing up, my “true romance” idols were Cinderella and Snow White. All I needed was a glass slipper and 7 wing men!!! Now that I am inching closer to 40, I have a realists’ approach. The search is on.

What I need is someone who won’t be afraid of the strong independent woman I’ve become and be able to put me in my place, albeit gently, when needed. Let’s face it, a woman in uniform is a turn on for most men but let her speak her mind and take control. EEEESSHHHHHH!!! Watch out!!! Khaki fever may work for the men in this industry but as far as I’m concerned, it’s done diddly squat for me.  

These are the facts: I live, eat and sleep Africa. Am surrounded by the most romantic landscapes in the world with sights beyond compare and only guests to share them with. I love my job and might as well be married to it. I can’t imagine not living in the bush. It’s not to say I wouldn’t give it up for the right man but he would have to be one hell of a guy!!! And before you ask, OF COURSE, I have my “perfect guy” checklist. The truth is I am willing to comprise somewhat but here are the must haves in no particular order.

1.       Be adventurous which doesn’t necessarily mean an adrenaline junkie but rather a "fly by the seat of his pants kind-a-guy”, even if it’s just grabbing a couple of cold beers, going on a walk in the bush to simply sit and watch the sun set.

2.       I’ve dated “the smoker” and realise I am not looking to kiss an ashtray for the rest of my life then again, he would have to be willing to kiss me after a game of “bokdrol spoek” (dung spitting game for those not in the know). Maybe the ash tray isn’t so bad?!

3.       He would have to be ticklish as there is no fun in it when only one partner is at the mercy of the other. And with that, I have now divulged my kryptonite. Use this information wisely.

     4.       Be ambitious – get up and do things not just talk about one day, some day, soonish, etc….  Be a doer as much as a dreamer which means self-motivated but willing to ask for help from his partner in crime.

5.       Must love pillow fights and the odd wrestling match…and occasionally let me believe I have the   upper hand, even if it hurts the ego.

6.       I’ll admit I love cooking but not every day so he would have to impress me with his culinary skills…and I hate to have to say it and risk sounding unpatriotic, but that means more then braai every night unless he is a Master Chef.

7.       He would have to have an adventurous palate….be more then a meat & potatoes guy. He cannot be vegan, vegetarian, gluten intolerant, etc. No squirming or lectures at my enjoying escargots, anchovies, sushi, homemade mushroom soup, crisps, and carbs – oh! lots of carbs!!!

8.       No judging when after a 6-week work cycle, all I want to do is lounge in unflattering clothes the first few days of leave and be a “flat cat” – even if that entails sleeping all day long, indulging in a tub of Häagen Dazs ice cream and watching mindless Netflix series.

9.       Must be the MacGyver (80's TV series) of the bush and adept in first aid as, as much as I enjoy working with my hands, getting dirty, watching things grow and learning how to accomplish things on my own, I am also very accident prone.

10.   I am a coffee addict therefore he must love coffee… in bed as much as I do. I am willing to make as much as receive and he should be too (a touch of honey and milk please).

11.   Be a morning person when the sun shine is beckoning for a day of endless possibilities, an in-betweener when lying in bed all day is a grand idea and occasionally, a night owl. Although I must point out that the bush life has made anything after 2100hrs a late one for me. Call it a hazard of the job.

12.   Have a valid passport. Be an intrepid traveler – enjoy exploring his backyard as much as discovering new places and immersing himself in different cultures. Not be afraid to try new things and convince me to do the same (back rubs & food rewards work best).

13.   Will wrap his arms around me to calm me down. I can be a feisty ball of energy bouncing off the walls like a cat high on catnip but a hug will instantly collapse me into a heap of quiet solitude.

     14.   Can be crazy, goofy and of sound mind in the blink of an eye. Knows it’s ok to not take life or himself too seriously. PS I like to hide and scare people, and will giggle anticipating the reaction.

     15.   Have a horror for small talk. Need I say more?

16.   Love dressing down as much as dressing up. I may live in khakis but I do enjoy being a lady every once in awhile. Yes, I own a dress and have high heel shoes, and they are in the closet next to the khakis and boots.

Ok, so the list may seem ridiculous to some, laughable to others, and unachievable to the rest but it’s what I want and willing to wait for. That being said, I would expect my perfect guy to also have his own “dream woman” list. Don’t deny it, I know they exist.

So why haven’t I found Mr. Right? Well, lets be real, I have my own flaws:  I hate admitting when am wrong but I’ll eventually come around and ask for forgiveness; I am fluent in sarcasm but can laugh at myself; I am strongly opinionated with a sound moral compass;  I get “hangry” and apologise in advance if it’s in an enclosed vehicle on a long road trip (throw some crisps my way); I can be a “chatty Kathy” just don’t take my silence as a sign of anger but rather as a way of my thinking things through before saying something I’ll regret; I have no sense of direction but have met lovely people and found the most amazing places being lost; I can be judgmental but also my own worse critic; I am a classic procrastinator and ironically, extremely impatient, yet combined, made my dream living, a reality.  

Pfew!!! That’s a lot to confess on a first date (am confident Mr. Right is reading this atm) but there you have it. Mr. Right will discover the rest in time. Mwahahaha there’s more??!!! Oops, did I forget to mention I have a hint of mischief in me?! 

 The perfect man may just be a dream and the waiting may seem like forever but I haven’t given up. I want to be needed as much as I need to be wanted. The hard truth is not to hurry love along because nothing good gets away. In the meantime, advice for Mr. Right - heed the #1 golden bush rule…whatever you do, don’t run (and this thing might work out for the both of us, whoever you are, wherever you may be).